


Integral

by iarrannme



Series: Winter Fables [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes's Metal Arm, Bucky Barnes's Notebooks, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, M/M, Past Mind Control, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovery, Resilience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 13:20:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22496734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iarrannme/pseuds/iarrannme
Summary: The first thing he did with his metal arm that HYDRA would never have chosen was to stop punching Steve.Or, the Winter Soldier gets his arm and his mind back.  Dinosaurs make only a very brief appearance.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Winter Fables [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1546102
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30
Collections: Bucky, Bucky Barnes, Bucky and or winter soldier centric





	Integral

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Domenika Marzione](https://archiveofourown.org/users/domarzione/pseuds/Domenika%20Marzione) for her constructive beta.

The first thing he did with his metal arm that HYDRA would never have chosen was to stop punching Steve.

The second was to drag Steve from the water, for no purpose beyond saving his life.

He didn’t think about it in those terms until later. Much later. After he’d kept guard, hidden, long enough to be sure Steve wound up in safe hands. After acquiring the basics of anonymous survival. After the first week and a half of near-total sleeplessness and the resulting crash; after he decided, upon waking, that if he was going to be his own person again he was going to have to sleep regularly despite the risks. After the first nightmares ended with banging on the wall from the next-door room and shouted threats to call the police; after he found somewhere else to sleep.

After he spent a week trying not to use his left arm, to reject everything that had been done to him. After he dreamed the arm was an alien burrowing its way into him through his shoulder, sending tendrils to his brain and heart and spine; after he woke, gasping, and nearly ripped the arm out; after he stopped himself because neither bleeding out alone nor trying to remain free while even more conspicuous and vulnerable were among his plans.

After he realized that no rage at what had been done to him and taken from him would ever be enough, and that no justice would be forthcoming. After he decided that he could either dedicate himself to revenge and end up with no apology and no restitution and no purpose, or he could see what sort of person it was possible to build from what was left of him now.

After he managed the trip to Bucharest with no one any the wiser, and found the tiny apartment and the off-the-books job where no one questioned long sleeves and gloves. After the first shower in he couldn’t have said how long when he felt safe enough to take more than two minutes.

After the idle shower-thought that what _really_ sucked about HYDRA was the chemical stench of the cheap shampoo and how they didn’t even always give him that.

After that led to the first burst of snorting laughter in – in – well, probably a lot longer than since the last relaxed shower.

After that, he went out, bought himself three different kinds of shampoo chosen by scent, and washed his hair once with each as soon as he got back, because he could.

Then he sat down, with a small notebook, and began a list, written painstakingly left-handed.

  1. Stop punching Steve.
  2. Rescue Steve.
  3. Stop killing people.
  4. Wash my hair.
  5. Write this list.



He stopped, stared at the list, then put it down and went back into the bathroom. When he came back out, he added:

  1. Comb my hair.



Over the next few weeks, he wrote “choose fruit without bruising it; eat; pet a dog; pet a cat; throw a ball back to a kid; make a shadow-puppet dinosaur; sign ~~my~~ a name; make branzoaice.” He wanted to add “share branzoaice” but had no one to share it with and didn’t dare do anything so noticeable with a stranger, so instead he added “get stuff out of oven without using hot pad.”

By the time they found him, the arm was his and the notebook, hidden in his go-bag under the floorboard, had a list ten pages long. The list of things he hadn’t done with it yet – _hug Steve, spar with Steve (for fun – no killing), jerk off (me), jerk off (Steve), finger puppets_ – was only in his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Best fact learned while writing: "jerk off" has been used with its current meaning since the late 1880s/early 1890s. Who knew?
> 
> I have more ideas I hope to shape into a sequel, eventually. If you want to be notified if I make that happen, I recommend subscribing to either the Winter Fables series or directly to me rather than to this work (i.e. click my name or the series name and then subscribe, rather than using the subscribe button at the top of the work). Thanks and I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
